Encyclopedia of a Man's Life

Avahlyn

• My daughter’s name…for five months. People treated the name like leftover hotdish. It got mashed and butchered until it was never pronounced correctly except by my wife and me. Now her name is Jazlyn Joy Avahlyn St. John. She is most definitely a “Jazy” little girl, especially when she changes outfits for her dancing and singing routines like Superman in the phone booth. I do a double-take every time I see my little lady; she always seems to be wearing a different outfit, even if she just left the room for a second. Every morning her room is clean, and every night her floor is hidden under a barrage of clothes.

Basketball

• I love the game. It has taken me to the Czech Republic, France, and even to the altar. My wife first met me while I was playing basketball, and she instantly knew I was the better man (see “Joy” for details).

Clint

•  My first name. I was named after Clint Eastwood – true story. I was born one and a half months early, so my parents were not ready with a name. They saw a National Enquirer with Eastwood on the cover. That’s when they decided on my name.

Dad

•  I love my dad. He has taught me how to work hard and provide for my family. It’s hard to believe that I actually got him interested in basketball. In seventh grade, he attended a small handful of my games. By the time I was a senior in college, he didn't miss one. The students at Southeastern University in Florida are still having nightmares of the wild maniac with the painted face and eyes of a demon.

Ears, My

• I have massive ears. Seriously. And one actually sticks out more than the other. Not everyone realizes how big they are, but that is because they are dwarfed by my larger-than-life sized noggin. One-size-fits-all hats don’t fit me, so my ears fit right in, so to speak.

Fashion

• In college, my wardrobe consisted of shorts, pajama pants, Zubaz pants, basketball jerseys, and long/short sleeved t-shirts. That’s it. That all changed when I met my wife. Now my closet is filled with her handpicked choices. I need to buy another pair of Zubaz.

Gilbert, Mr.

• I only met him once, but I took his Hudson Middle School eighth grade language arts teaching position after he retired. I was told by his former co-workers that he was weird. Now they say I sometimes remind them of Mr. Gilbert. Does that mean I am weird? Probably.

Horses

• My parents owned two: Scooter and Skipper. I hated those things. I only rode Scooter once, and I almost got bucked off while my dad was yelling at me. Skipper was like the horses of the Wild West. Keeping him in the pasture was like trying to keep my toddler-aged son away from the toilet: impossible.

Injury

•  On my first day of coaching middle school track in Bloomer, WI, I saw an athlete trip on a hurdle. That may not sound so bad, but tell that to the boy whose forearm was snapped at a 90 degree angle and the gym full of middle schoolers that started screaming and running around like they just saw a murder.

Joy

• My bride. The first time I met her, I knew she was the one for me. The only problem was her boyfriend that wasn’t nearly as cool and hot as me. No problemo.

Karate

• I used to pretend I was the Karate Kid. While in elementary school, Bloomer finally had a karate studio, so my sister and I signed up. During the first karate test, I farted two times during two separate maneuvers. I still scored higher than my sister. She cried. What a baby.

Laughter

• I love to laugh, and I love to make people laugh. One of my life’s greatest achievements was when I won the “Class Clown” and “Best Sense of Humor” awards of my high school graduating class. I am sure my parents were just beaming with pride as other classmates won such awards as “Most Talented,” “Most Likely to Achieve Greatness,” and “Best Student.”

Mom

• I love my mom. She has taught me that strength comes in many forms…unless it is at the Back to the Future ride at Universal Studios. When we got off the ride, her hair looked like Don King and she had peed her pants. I almost did the same when I found out.

Nick

• I love my brother. He will always be my little brother, but it gets harder thinking that way when he is a shade taller than me (don’t tell him I told you) and now consistently beats me in one on one basketball, arm wrestling, running contests, golf…I am going to stop typing now. My manhood is feeling threatened.

Ocean

• I wish I lived by the ocean. I like winter as much as I like toothpicks being jammed under my fingernails, but yet I stay and take the yearly beatings again…and again...and again. Everyone says they love the four separate seasons, but that would be like saying “I love the weather” even though a hurricane is coming.

Parenting

• I never realized how difficult parenting would be. Have you ever tried to wipe a baby’s butt while they are trying their hardest to spin over, kick your hands off, and wipe their hands in the precise area they should definitely not touch, all while screaming at a pitch only meant for dogs to hear?

Quote

• The quote that has meant the most to me was from my dad when I was leaving for college. He wrote, “Be careful who you choose as friends. Not all of them deserve you.” I remember it like it was yesterday. He had never written or said anything to me like that before, so it had a big impact. I will most definitely repeat it to my children, a line that will last through the generations.

Rope, Jumping

• Bloomer, Wisconsin, my hometown, is known (at least by Bloomer residents) as the Jump Rope Capital of the World. There is a contest every January crowning the grand champion of the year. My personal best was 51 jumps in ten seconds, and that only got me into the semi-finals. I was like the Minnesota Vikings of jumping rope. Good enough to get close to the big game, but never good enough to get there.

Sister

• I love my sister. Her wisdom has taught me a great deal about life, but she hurt me in a great deal of ways while we were growing up. Let’s see, the times I was the donkey and she was Mary. The times she repeatedly hit me on the shoulder and said, “Don’t hit girls! Your future wife will thank me for this!” The times she made me think she was a robot that had kidnapped the real Becky. The time she spied on me when I was sleeping and caught me picking my nose (and no, I didn’t eat the booger. She said I did). The time she took all the underwear out of my suitcase for my week at camp because she was mad at me for not letting her use my Gameboy. And last, but not least, the time I was in sixth grade and she asked me if I wanted to “go out” with her fellow eighth grade friend, Kelly. When I said yes, she ran back to Kelly and they laughed at me. Did I mention that I used to live in a house that was a barn, and when I, the donkey, was carrying Mary, it took, not once, but two times around the barn house to make it to Bethlehem?

Tait

•  My dad’s tiling machine. One time when Nick and I were playing on it, I completely missed the step to the platform and belly-flopped six feet to the concrete shop floor. When I told my dad about it later, he laughed. That happened often, kind of like the time I rode a bike into a tree…drove the four-wheeler into a telephone pole…rode a sled into a barb wire fence…and still my dad laughed and laughed.

Uncle

• I am an uncle to three boys and four girls. It took me until the third child, Isaac, before I changed one of their diapers. Sure enough, he peed on me. That was the last diaper I changed until my daughter was born.

Vegetables

• I am not a big fan of veggies. But yet I force my daughter to eat them. Does that make me a hypocrite? More importantly, when she is old enough to realize that I don’t always eat the veggies I am telling her to eat, what do I do? I would rather eat elephant ear wax than beets.

Weekend, Labor Day

• My wife and I were married on Labor Day weekend 2006. We were engaged five weeks earlier. Yes, my wife planned a full scale wedding in five weeks. I would like to say I helped, but then I would be lying.

X-ray

• I have had a number of x-rays on my ankles and knees from all the basketball I have played in my life. All of them came back negative. I still don’t understand the jacket they give you to wear, though. One guy told me to make sure it covered my male area so I could have kids one day. Are you serious? I tried to tuck everything back, if you know what I mean. Talk about uncomfortable. X-rays should be illegal.

Yosemite National Park

• We went to Yosemite as part of our California trip. On that same California trip when I was driving and my dad was barfing in the back of the van, I had to blast the heater to keep the engine cool. It was well over 100 degrees in the middle of the desert, and we had to have the radio off because of my dad’s migraine. I was extremely sleepy, and my brother wouldn’t simply go to the back of the van to get me carrots to eat to help me stay awake. He was too scared of the barf. Good memories.

Z aven

• I wanted to name my son Xavier, but Joy wanted it to be spelled Zavier. I finally agreed, but after doing name research we saw the name was becoming too popular. We played with the name until we came up with Zaven. I love it, and I love my son…even when he throws valuables into the garbage and toilet. We are still missing the brand new wisk, cell phone cover, and his crib buddy Dog Dog.